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ekw

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reasons why i secretly hate japan [Oct. 25th, 2010|02:47 pm]
ekw
I always have this monumental fear of being abandoned. It's not a new feeling just with you. It's a constant feeling with every relationship and friendship I've ever formed. I don't know where it stems from, but I always fear that I'm the most boring option anyone ever has.

I get that you love cities and seeing new things and have an innate fear of missing out of fun things, but I can't help but assume that you just have very little room in your life for a small-town girl like myself.


with love and squalor,
ekw
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where does the good go? [Oct. 15th, 2010|05:06 pm]
ekw
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]

Every person that looks at me sees all the bad that lives inside of me. The shame, the guilt, the fear, the anger, the hurt, the meanness, and the neediness. When I look at myself, all I see is what I want to be inside of me. And that one person whom I want to be inside of me, won't even look at me.


with love and squalor,
ekw
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in the name of mehetabel [Oct. 1st, 2010|09:52 pm]
ekw
I want to find some profound truth in these events, in the absurdity of me: in fancy lingerie in a friend's backyard, up to my elbows in dog vomit. I want to garner some poignant insight into our relationship from the fact that you watched me, unperturbed, and still went to bed with me after. I want to know that the next morning, when we stood in the kitchen making breakfast and debating the self-actualizations or lack-thereof of certain members of the household, that it means our self-actualizations extend past ourselves and into one another.

I want to know impossible things: that this future I envision can be real; that the seed of self-doubt we accidentally planted inside my heart can be weeded out; that if I forgive you, you'll forgive yourself too.


with love and squalor,
ekw
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spooky and the specter make a come back [Oct. 1st, 2010|09:50 pm]
ekw
I run from someone with a similar sounding voice as you. In a city you'd never go to simply on principle, I hear someone with a voice of the same timbre, and I turn to my companion wide-eyed and fearful. He could feel my heart rate raise from his position walking next to me. I was petrified you'd recognize the shape my shadow makes on the sidewalk. You used to know that shadow intimately. You used to be able to trace it simply from memory.

Could you replicate it now?

Your fingers left echoes in my skin. Long after the bruises faded and the blood vessels healed up, I felt you there. I've completely forgotten what her voice sounds like but yours? Yours I can still hear if I close my eyes. You stuck to me in the most unsavory of ways.

In New York, hundreds of miles from any place you'd ever willingly go, I hear you.


with love and squalor,
ekw
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I Dreamed of Our Wedding Vows [Sep. 16th, 2010|12:03 am]
ekw
[Current Location |chester, nh]
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Current Music |not you not ever LIVE!]

I had once read - and I am probably misquoting this monumentally - a mother describe to her daughter the sort of boy she should wait for: momentously shy; the sort of boy who will offer a daisy with his eyes lowered and his cheeks flushed. I made my mind that day that was the sort of boy I wanted to marry, and on the day that I met you, I took one look at your perfect wrists and the terrific, childlike bounce in your step and I knew. I just had to wait for the daisy.


with love and squalor,
ekw
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